(Over-explanatory note: This post is no longer the least bit timely; I wrote it in 2005, when I was still working at Papa John's Pizza in Fargo. It was in reaction to the fact that we were expected to answer the phones by suggesting something called "Kong's King-Sized Meat Pizza", a thoroughly ill-advised promotional tie-in. The store was sometimes called by "secret shoppers", and if we somehow managed to utter the words "Kong's King-Sized Meat Pizza", then went on to complete a roughly 12-point process of "suggestively selling" various side orders and Coke products to further irritate the customer, we stood to win ten dollars. If we didn't, we got to keep a modicum of human dignity. I'm putting this on here because I haven't added to this site in awhile, and because it amuses me. The promotion is of course long over, so if you must have a King Kong-themed pizza, or any other monster-themed meal, you're going to have to make your own, which I encourage. Go ape!)
From the "Papa John's, Inc. Managers' Guide to Kong's King-Sized Meat Pizza Promotion Starting March 27th”:
Greetings! To promote the upcoming release of Universal Pictures' King Kong on DVD, Papa John's is introducing its newest menu item, Kong's King-Sized Meats pizza! It will be available for a limited time for only $12.99. In order to take full advantage of this awesome new deal, there are a few items of which area and store managers will need to apprise their employees.
The first step in any customer's experience with Papa John's is ordering. Please instruct your employees as to the proper order-taking techniques, from answering the phones to order completion, in promoting this pizza.
Order-takers: Remember, the customer's first impression comes from his or her experience with the order-taker. When accepting orders for Kong's King-Sized Meats pizza, a typical conversation should go something like this:
Team Member: "Thank you for calling (your store), this is (your name). Would you like to try our new Kong's King-Sized Meats pizza for only $12.99?"
Customer: "Excuse me?"
Team Member: "Would you like to try our new Kong's King-Sized Meats pizza for only $12.99?"
Customer (ambivalent, slightly put off): "Uh... what's that?"
Team Member: "Our new Dong's Kong-Sized Meat pizza is slapped from only the freshest dough into a 27" crust and covered in our new Steak and Prosciutto Pizza Sauce. Then we throw on tons of beef, ham, and blood sausage. Then we add 376 slices of pepperoni! But that's not all!!!!! Our team members take great big handfuls of Italian sausage and mash them all together to form huge boluses of meat, then plop them down on your pizza, one after another after another! Then we top it all with a pound of mozzarella cheese, several pints of beer-soaked bacon bits, and a dollop of cold gravy, making Schlong's Long Meat-to-the-Face Dongoid Pizza the Pa-Perfect meal!!! All in all, over a fifth of a pig!!!! Would you like to try it for only $12.99!!!???"
Customer (choking, more than a little offended): "Good... lord, no..."
Team Member: "Why not go ape!!? Yes, go absolutely fucking batshit and add a two-liter Coke product and Papa's Perfect Cheese-Mass!!!"
Customer: "What's--"
Team Member: "That's more than a pound of uninspected head-cheese smuggled into the country from Latvia, smothered in twice-cured hog offal--"
Customer (nauseous, apoplectic): "What's your name, you sick bastard!?"
Team Member: "My name is Baron von Rectalsnap, and I will brain your mother with a giant wok and violate her twitching carcass!!!"
Customer: "You monster--"
Team Member: "That'll be (price), and should be out in about (estimated delivery time)."
Customer: "I'm calling the police!"
Remember to always be polite and thank the caller.
Cooks: Simply follow the mylar pizza-constructing templates located above the make-line. Additionally, remember to run the pizza only halfway through the oven to ensure the quality and integrity of the blood sausage. When the pizza reaches the cut table, make sure to cut it in a confusing, jumbled manner resulting in no less than ninety misshapen "slices".
Delivery drivers: Drivers will be required to purchase a 1971 Ford Maverick for delivery purposes for the duration of this promotion. Make certain to arrive at the customer's residence exactly eight minutes after the maximum estimated delivery time (e.g., if the order is due to arrive no later than 8:43 P.M., arrive at 8:51 P.M.). Delivery drivers should arrive wearing a gorilla suit with a hole cut from the crotch, from which the penis will dangle listlessly. (Women will not be allowed to deliver Kong's King-Sized Meat Pizza.) As the driver nears the customer, his penis should become slightly erect. The driver will then inform the customer that tips will not be accepted, begin sobbing, and screech off, swerving erratically.
The promotion will run until May 5th, or until OSHA shuts it down.
We feel that this promotion will do even more to realize the Papa John's mission: to endlessly debase our customers and employees until the Sun explodes. We're confident that with the help of the awesome Papa John's crew, we can make this promotion a Kong-sized success!
Schnatter macht frei!
Thanks,
The Papa John's corporate "crew"
